One of the most challenging aspects of addiction is how it can lead individuals to act in ways that go against their personal values and standards. This is why the Twelve Step recovery process includes the practice of recognizing the harm caused to others and taking steps to make amends. Steps Eight and Nine of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) specifically address this process:
Step 8: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
Step 9: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
While making amends might sound as simple as offering an apology, it involves much more. Below, we explore the process of making amends, its importance in recovery, and how it contributes to spiritual and emotional healing.
What Is a Direct Amend?
A direct amend involves personally addressing those harmed by our actions during active addiction. This process, as outlined in Steps 8 and 9, includes acknowledging the harm caused and demonstrating changed behavior. Whenever possible, direct amends should be made face-to-face rather than through a phone call or asking someone else to convey the message.
The Difference Between Making Amends and Offering an Apology
Making amends goes beyond merely saying sorry. Apologies are words, whereas amends are actions that demonstrate a commitment to change. In addiction, actions and intentions often don’t align. For example, one might intend to attend a friend’s event but fail to show up, later offering an empty apology. In recovery, making amends involves not just apologizing but also changing behavior to reflect true intentions.
For instance, if someone stole from a friend during their addiction, making amends would involve not only apologizing but also returning what was taken or making restitution in another meaningful way.
When Are Direct Amends Not Advisable?
Step Nine advises making amends except when doing so would cause further harm. There are times when direct amends might not be appropriate, such as when contacting the person could cause them additional stress or harm. In such cases, amends can be made indirectly through positive actions like donating to charity, volunteering, or living by strong principles (known as living amends).
Making amends to someone in active addiction also requires caution, as it’s crucial to prioritize one’s own recovery and avoid triggering environments.
Should I Try to Make Amends with Someone Who Doesn’t Want to Hear from Me?
It’s important to respect the wishes of those who do not want to hear from us. Making amends is about acknowledging and rectifying past wrongs, not forcing forgiveness. If someone is not ready to accept amends, we can still move forward positively by being of service to others or committing to living amends.
How Will Making Amends Help My Recovery?
Making amends helps separate individuals from the disease of addiction. It fosters a sense of accountability and helps move past feelings of shame that can fuel addictive behaviors. By taking responsibility and working to repair relationships, individuals reinforce healthy recovery practices and build a foundation for continued sobriety.
What If My Attempt to Make Things Right Goes Wrong?
It’s essential to plan before reaching out to make amends. Discuss your plan with a sponsor or support group to anticipate possible reactions and prepare for emotional responses. Remember, the goal is not to seek forgiveness but to hold oneself accountable and align actions with values. Others may not be ready to forgive, but making amends is about taking personal responsibility.
Should I Work on Step Eight Alone?
Working through the Twelve Steps is generally done with the support of a sponsor or a trusted guide. AA’s Big Book and the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions (the 12 & 12) provide valuable guidance. Initially, focus on those closest to you when creating your list of those harmed. Over time, as recovery deepens, you will revisit Steps 8 and 9, continually making amends through daily actions that reflect Twelve Step principles.
What Is the Best Way to Make Amends?
There isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to making amends. It’s important to find a method that aligns with your personal recovery journey. Talk with your sponsor or others in your recovery community about their experiences. Ensure your actions match your intentions and aim to make amends in person whenever possible. The goal is to right past wrongs through genuine, meaningful actions.
How Soon Do I Start to Make Amends Once I Am Sober?
There is no set timeline for working on Steps 8 and 9. Discussing readiness with your sponsor and support network can provide valuable insights. Recovery is a personal journey, and each person moves at their own pace. Despite challenges and setbacks, prioritizing daily recovery and consistently doing the next right thing will help you continue moving forward with purpose.
Making amends is a vital part of the recovery process. It involves more than just saying sorry; it requires genuine efforts to repair harm and align actions with values. By understanding and practicing these steps, individuals can foster healing, strengthen their recovery, and build healthier relationships. For family and friends of those in recovery, supporting this process and encouraging loved ones to make amends can be a powerful way to aid their journey towards lasting sobriety.